The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
