I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
