I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
