just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
