Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
