So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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