I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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