why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
