so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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