Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
