Ambien. No doubt about it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
