I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
