I like to think it a success when the cops are called
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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