I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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