apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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