There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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