We got so high we made milksteak
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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