my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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