This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize