Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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