i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
