All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
