matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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