please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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