well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
