Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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