how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
