the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
