I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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