That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Damn victory sex feels great
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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