and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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