is your mom at the bar?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
