wat bout pragnant strippers??
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
