Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize