During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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