I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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