So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
