I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Randomize
