i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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