You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
