I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
