My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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