ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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