i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
