actually, I'm a sock model
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its not stalking. its research.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
