I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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