After last night, I could never be a politician.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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