what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
