youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
