It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
