Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
