I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
