the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
