When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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