Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
