this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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