I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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