I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
