thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
