I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
