you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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