No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
