worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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