grandma shit on top of the toilet
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
