Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
