just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
