I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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